Make sure the campground you select is inconveniently located many miles from home so you'll have plenty of reason not to go.

Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on camping by renting Deliverance or The Blair Witch Project.

Avoid campgrounds that display the animals in large cages. These "campgrounds" are actually zoos.

Look for a campground with amenities such as a whirlpool, sauna, steam room and massage room. This will enable you to avoid camping altogether.

Before entering the campground, check to make sure people can be seen leaving. If not, it could be an alien meat-packing plant in disguise.

Check the colors of the campground before entering. Make sure the color scheme doesn't clash with your outfit.

If you are still clean when you leave the campground, you haven't had enough. Go back in.

Going to Group Camping is a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to step outside once in a while? Would that be so hard, you lazy f#@#ing bum?