ARIES: Your attempt to make the most elaborate prank in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the picnic bench catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.
TAURUS: No one can believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your car through the campfire amphitheater. Enjoy prison.
GEMINI: You've already been subjected to scorn and derision. With hot summer weather here, you can now add extreme physical discomfort to the things you will endure when sporting that long black velvet cape.
CANCER: Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your addiction to iced oatmeal cookies in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous overindulgence.
LEO: You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.
VIRGO: You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn raccoon could have strung up your shoes into that tree.
LIBRA: You'll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate campground for 11 years.
SCORPIO: It'd been about eight months since your personal hell disappeared overnight, but unfortunately, those stubby little buds on your forehead mean your antlers are back.
SAGITTARIUS: The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your prank went wrong.
CAPRICORN: Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.
AQUARIUS: Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.