Redwood Tree Completes 300-Year

Plan To Lean Slightly To Left





Half A Sleeve Of Oreos Lost In Campfire

Fire claims as many as six perfectly good, untouched Oreo cookies

Tragedy claimed a half-sleeve of Oreo cookies trapped inside fire pit yesterday. At press time, it remained unknown whether the lost cookies were of the original variety, the kind dipped in fudge, Double Stuff, or a St. Patrick's day seasonal pack featuring green, mint-flavored cream filling. "This is awful—just awful," said camper Rob Kaplan, 46, who appeared visibly shaken as he struggled with the horrifying reality that the Oreo cookies were truly gone and would never get to be munched on and enjoyed. "My God," added Kaplan, pausing to compose himself. "I don't know how you even begin to move on from something like this." The Oreos likely suffered a grotesque end. Although the sleeve may have provided initial protection from the acrid smoke, the extreme temperatures—which probably exceeded 400 degrees—would have eventually caused the cookies' cream centers to boil from the inside out while the melting packaging entombed them in a scalding coat of liquefied plastic. Additionally, the sweet sugar within the snack itself likely added fuel to the fire, resulting in all the cookies fusing into a single fire-blackened mass and potentially making it impossible for authorities to identify their charred remains.





Mothers Announces It's All Out Of Cookies

Oakland, CA--Mothers Cookies, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Circus Animals and Iced-Oatmeal Cookies, announced Tuesday that it had run out of cookies and would cease operations immediately. "Well, that'll about do it," Mothers CEO John P. Bilbrey said at a press conference as workers boarded up a factory behind him. "In 1905, my great-grandfather started this company with nothing more than a dream and a warehouse filled with 8 trillion cookies. But now the cupboard is bare, I'm afraid. We had a good run, but the fat lady has sung." Bilbrey concluded his speech by digging into his pockets and throwing one last handful of iced-oatmeal miniatures to reporters.







Chipmunk At Pretty Good Place In His Life Right Now






Drunken Camper Makes Interesting Point About Society









Manager, Trac-Ball Pitcher Go Through Entire

Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit










Area camper has special dreams of future camping trip








Bee Chasing Brian Delights Camping Participants






The Most Irresistible Man On Earth - To Mosquitoes!









Family Thunders Into Camp Chaos Parking Lot

Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad








I'm The Reason There Are Signs Warning You Not To Tease The Bears

The next time you're at a state park, thinking maybe you'll treat yourself to a little fun by messing with a cute bear—I suggest you think again. Because those bright red signs that clearly say "Danger! Please Stand Back" and "Do Not Tease or Feed the Bears" are there for a very good reason.
Today those signs seem commonplace. But there was a time—before I ran up behind a bear and poked it with a stick, got picked up the bear and was dragged, screaming in agony, past all 50-plus dumbstruck campers —when they didn't exist at all. You know how I know? Because I did it all the time back then and there was never a sign in sight. Years ago, state parks were a friendly place where you'd go to watch wildlife and, if the mood struck you, maybe pitch a bright orange trac-ball right at that bear when he wasn't looking. But those fun days could never last.

Looking back, I suppose that afternoon I got tugged around camp chaos by my neck was probably the straw that broke the camel's back. There was a prior incident in Big Basin, where, had I been warned explicitly not to try to ride that bear like a pony, I might not have savagly ravaged by that bear. Every time a fire department was called in or I had to be medevacked by chopper, the rangers would scramble to put up warnings as fast as possible. Soon it was "Caution! Dangerous Animal" this, and "Beware! Mauling Danger" that.

Yeah, whenever you see "This Area Under Video Surveillance" printed in big, can't-be-missed letters, make no mistake: Jeff Myers was there. Some say I ruined a good thing for everybody, and frankly, I can see where they're coming from, but taunting a belligerent, stampeding 500 pound beast can be one hell of a good time.

In my defense, though, my sacrifices have prevented a lot of folks from getting injured the way I was, multiple times—and not just in state parks. Now they've got signs for all of these things, but I was the one who had to learn that stuff the hard way. Ever heard of a little one called "Objects in Mirror May Be Closer Than They Appear"? That was me. What about "Caution, Fork Lift Area"? Yours truly. "Do Not Operate Chainsaw While Intoxicated"? (To be honest, that was me and Brian, but mostly me.)

I also played a large, though incidental, role in the invention of the defibrillator. I pioneered the concept of reaching out to feed crocodiles behind poorly secured fences (ask Rob Kaplan about that one). If you ever see me around—I'll be the guy minding his own business, dutifully obeying all posted warnings—feel free to come over and shake the hand of a true living legend. And look for the "No Lava Within 50 Feet of School" signs coming soon.