Profiles In Courage: Michael Castellon

"Fresh Out Of Rehab And High On Life"




Oreo Cookie Tries To Set Guinness Record for Facebook Likes






Jeff Wants To Tell Ranger Something But Ranger Has To Promise Not To Get Mad




Camping Scientists create world's thinnest substance

Scientists at the University of Camping Science have created the world's thinnest substance, a sheet of bathroom tissue one atom thick. Called 'toilet paper', the substance will revolutionize the camping industry, allowing bathroom tissue to be used on a far thinner scale than today. The team has already used the substance to build a transistor for single electrons. "This is a completely new type of technology. Even nanotechnology is not the right word to describe these super-thin new membranes", said Professor Tom Burke, who used an entire roll in one sitting.





Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids








Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker

OLD BRIDGE, NJ-The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4. Workers HJ997462M and IK002620FC secreted primer pheromones to signal the start of the solemn moment, and Queen XHB004-65B memorialized the event by releasing a scent trail from her engorged abdomen. Known throughout the superorganism for being in constant locomotion, FL77542PM4 had been a member of the colony since he first emerged from his pupal casing, and was considered an expert at nest construction. The service ended when fellow workers marched over his body, tore apart his thorax, and began feeding their fallen compatriot to their young.






Ranger Demands To Know Who Left Sandwich To Rot On The Ground






Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
Big Basin, CA-Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Saturday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated upcoming sandwich, which sources said is still in the early stages of development. The on-bread reunion will be the first time the popular duo has teamed up since costarring in a widely acclaimed Italian grinder in 2009. Recent kitchen reports stated that the sandwich itself was almost abandoned when it appeared that a prior commitment to star in a low-budget chicken salad might have rendered Mayonnaise unavailable. Sources would not confirm rumors that Shredded Lettuce and Melted Provolone are also involved, but confirmed that, despite early interest, Ketchup just wasn't right for the project.




'Camp Chaos Film' Production Assistant Still Trying To Get Signed Release Forms From Every Squirrel in Movie

A production assistant to Jeff Myers is still trying to obtain release forms from every squirrel that appeared on camera in the 2010 film version of Camp Chaos. "It's exhausting work, scrambling from branch to branch hunting for signatures from each squirrel, but if we don't cover all our bases, we could end up facing some serious lawsuits," said his assistant, attempting to flag down a squirrel that was collecting acorns for the film's 'trackball' segment. "It's pretty discouraging when a squirrel scampers past and doesn't even notice me standing here with the clipboard. But at least I'm not one of the crew still trying to track down individual ants." Myers told reporters he was intentionally saving collecting signatures on the elusive Red-tailed hawks for last since they'd probably be extinct soon anyway.




National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification
WASHINGTON—With their current condition "marginally breathtaking at best," America's national parks will be closed this week for their exhaustive annual cleaning and remajestification, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Monday. After a long off-season, the foliage has grown lackluster, our mountain streams have lost their crystal clarity, and even the sparrows' songs are flat and desultory. So please excuse the noise and dust as we prepare our country's scenic wonders for their grand reopening. According to officials, the weeklong process includes extensive brook re-babbling, the application of new bark to some 37,000 giant redwood trees, litter removal, and the sharpening and re-snowcapping of every peak in the Rockies. "People don't realize how quickly the beauty and enchantment of these places gets depleted," Walter McCoy, a ranger at Maine's Acadia National Park, said as he pulled up last year's carpet of pine needles and laid down a fresh one. "Tourists come here, they ooh and they aah, and before you know it, all the majesty gets used up."



Area Man Has Mosquito On The Run
Area resident Mark Kaplan had reportedly cornered the mosquito that had been harassing him all evening, effectively neutralizing the insect and regaining the strategic advantage. "I have him right where I want him," Kaplan said of the 2.4 mg adult mosquito, whose extremely sensitive antennal hairs can detect the slightest movement in air pressure, allowing it to evade predators. "He knows I almost got him that last time, and he's been pretty quiet for a while now. He'll think twice before coming at me again." The mosquito was reportedly waiting until Kaplan fell asleep to bite the man repeatedly, suck his blood, and permanently incapacitate him with malarial parasites.






Nick Castellon and his longtime girlfriend, and mother of their 5-month-old daughter, 'Lil Oatmeal, have split after years of dating, a source tells the National Enquirer. "They just drifted apart," says a close friend of the couple of the amicable split. "They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise 'Lil Oatmeal together". Castellon was quoted as saying, "when it comes to cookies and MOTHERS, too much isn't always a good thing".