U.S. Consumer Confidence Down,
Say Girls Trying To Sell Sticks
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OPINION
I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough of them. So tasty. But let's make one thing clear, right here and now: I have never killed anyone. Look at me! I'm a squirrel, for crying out loud. How am I going to kill a human being? Even if I wanted to, it would be impossible. "Killer Squirrel?" Please. It's just a cruel name made up by lazy journalists who want to move papers. The truth is that the "attack" in question was merely the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding between myself and a young boy with a bag of peanuts, who remains alive and well to this day. Does he have both eyes? No. Is he blind? Absolutely not! They were able to surgically re-insert the left eye, and he has about 40 percent of his sight in the right one. So you tell me: How does that make me a killer? I concede I had his route home memorized, but I wasn't following him, per se. I was following the bag of peanuts he bought at the corner store, just like he does every afternoon around 3:30. Before you judge, let me remind you that there are plenty of people who spy on kids for their own reasons, and, like myself, the vast majority of them are not child murderers. I blame the mainstream media for blowing this whole incident out of proportion. Did they report on all the kids I followed home that I didn't attack? Of course not. They just rush to be the first to demonize a poor innocent squirrel who just couldn't stand to see a naughty little boy spill a bunch of yummy nuts. Those so-called journalists got so many details wrong, I'm at a loss as to where to begin. For example, I'm not "an enormous, savage rodent." I'm just an average-size squirrel. There were no reporters on the scene, so how would they even know anyway? I promise, when I jumped down on that kid's shoulder and sunk my claws into his face, there was no one there to see it. I made damn sure of that. You think I'm crazy? Maybe I'm crazy for nuts, but that's all. I am what I am—I am what society made me. We all have our flaws. I love nuts, maybe too much. But I ask: Is that a crime? |
State Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With
New Mating Program
BIG BASIN, CA--In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling
ranger population, officials at Big Basin State Park unveiled a new mating
program this week in hopes of doubling the endangered employees' numbers
by 2017. "It's vital we act now and save these once proud rangers before
it's too late," said Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis, adding
that his staff had already begun identifying alpha males, monitoring the
fertility cycles of several females, and preparing specially designed enclosures
that would encourage mating. "We've matched more than 15 active breeding
pairs and now just have to wait and pray that they successfully mate".
Park sources also said that, if Friday's singles' mixer doesn't go well,
some of the more resistant female rangers may have to be tranquilized and
artificially inseminated.
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SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
According to a new report released this week by the Department of Health and Human Services, 74 percent of all American children camping never, ever make it through the night. The study, which surveyed hundreds of innocent children between the ages of 7 and 13, found that, in almost all cases, sleeping outdoors in a tent with a flashlight and comic books and who knows what else lurking around in the dark ended in horrible tragedy. "We now have definitive proof that most children who camp out in their yards will die a horrific death," said Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of health and human services. "Whether it's a sudden wolf attack, an escaped mental patient, or just Old Man Greenly, who lost his hand in a gruesome mill accident and now seeks his bloody revenge, young boys and girls rarely live to see their parents or friends again." Although Fredericks claimed that the odds of an unsuspecting child surviving until morning were slim, he did issue a list of warning signs to watch for. The sound of a nearby twig snapping, Fredericks said, almost always indicates that a half-man, half-lizard swamp creature, who feeds on the organs of schoolchildren while they're still alive, is on the prowl. In addition, the study found that turning off one's flashlight or closing one's eyes for "even a second" is an open invitation to all disfigured hitchhikers in the area to suddenly attack. "Children should know, however, that if they
hear scratching on the side of their tent, it's probably just their
older brother trying to scare them," Fredericks said. "And
if the scratching suddenly stops, it's most likely because their parents
have gone insane and crept up from behind with this really demonic
look in their eyes and slit his throat."
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Former Trac-Ball King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners
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OPINION
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Campers, Bears Put Differences Aside, Work Together To Make Better Burger |
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Ranger: "I'm outa here, I didn't sign up for this"
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After massive lobbying effort by Kelly Dudziak's uncle, Jeff Myers, National Society of Film Critics inducts famed camping phrase "because everyone is cousins here" into Motion Picture Hall of Fame |
